25 Best Man Speech Jokes That Will Save You From Bombing

Hi, Friend! Jen Glantz her. I’m a bestselling author, the first ever bridesmaid for hire and have been hired by hundreds of brides all over the world. Let’s talk about best man speech jokes examples.

They say you need a belly laugh every 20 seconds to keep a wedding audience engaged. Honestly? That’s a terrifying stat. I bring it up not to panic you, but because rhythm is everything. According to the pros over at Hitched, frequency matters.

I still remember staring at a blank Google Doc the night before my best friend’s wedding, sweating through my t-shirt, realizing I had zero funny things to say. The pressure to kill it without giving the bride’s grandmother a heart attack is paralyzing. You want to bring the house down, not make the room go silent.

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I’ve curated a list of 25 best man speech jokes that actually work. More importantly, I’ve included the “why” and “how” so you can figure out which ones fit your vibe. These lines pass the cringe test. If you want a full roadmap for the rest of the toast, check out our complete best man speech guide to help you structure the serious stuff, too.

Write a full best man speech (not just jokes) with our Best Man Speech Generator

TL;DR

In a rush? Here are the cliff notes. Basically, filter your jokes, don’t be a robot, and read the room.

• The Grandma Factor: If it makes Nana gasp, cut it.

• Customize it: Tailor the one-liners to the groom so you don’t sound like a template.

• Balance the roast: Make fun of him, but make sure we know you love him.

• Delivery is key: Practice the timing. The pause is often funnier than the word.

• Get help: If you’re truly stuck, hire a pro to help write it. No shame in that.

The Four Rules of Engagement Before You Write

Grabbing random one-liners from Reddit is a recipe for disaster. You need a filter. Not every joke works for every wedding. To ensure you deliver a humorous best man speech rather than a cancellation-worthy one, run your material through these four rules.

Turn these rules into a speech outline with the Best Man Speech Generator

A “funny” speech has to be a “smart” speech.

The Grandma Factor

Ask yourself: Is this safe for a crowd that includes flower girls and conservative grandparents? A story about the groom’s wild weekend in Vegas might kill at the bachelor party, but it will suck the air out of a reception hall. You want laughter, not awkward coughing.

“Audience Appropriateness” is your safety net.

Need a grandma-safe version? Use the Best Man Speech Generator

Joke Topic	Bachelor Party (Unsafe)	Wedding Reception (Safe)
Past Relationships	Detailed stories about exes or hookups.	“We’re all just glad he finally found someone with taste.”
Intoxication	Stories about arrests or blacking out.	“He’s been known to enjoy a beverage, but tonight he’s pacing himself.”
Money	Jokes about debt or gambling.	“He’s rich in character, if not in actual currency.”

The Customization Factor

Generic jokes feel like you Googled them five minutes ago in the bathroom. A great speech feels bespoke. If the joke is about being short, but the groom is 6’4″, you look like an idiot.

Customize your jokes into a groom-specific speech with the Best Man Speech Generator

You have to tailor these lines.

How to tailor a generic joke:

• The Generic Line: “The groom is a man of many talents, sadly none of them pay the bills.”

• The Customization: If the groom is a musician, change it to: “Dave is a man of many talents. He plays guitar, he sings, he writes songs… sadly, none of those things have ever paid an electric bill.”

The Performance Factor

Does the joke require acting chops or props? Or is it just a quick jab? If you’re nervous, complex storytelling jokes can fall flat. Know your limits.

The Sentiment Factor

Are you teasing him or just being mean? The goal is to laugh with him (mostly), not ruin his night. If you’re struggling to find that balance between humor and heart, read our guide on mastering the art of emotional best man speeches.

Affectionate teasing beats humiliation every time.

Category A: The Ice Breakers

You need to relieve the tension immediately. Here are five openers to help you stop shaking and get that first crucial laugh.

1. The “Nervous” Truth

The Joke: “I prepared a few lines for today, but now that I’m standing here, my mind has gone blank. So, I’m just going to read from the groom’s belly… [pull out a piece of paper]… it says, ‘Help me.'”

Why it works: It’s safe for all ages and immediately lowers expectations. It requires a prop and a little bit of acting, but self-deprecation is the best way to start a funny best man speech.

2. The “Upper Hand”

The Joke: “The groom and I share a common sense of humor. So, if you don’t think this speech is funny, please feel free to blame him.”

Why it works: It deflects the pressure. If you bomb, it’s his fault. If you win, it’s your delivery. Win-win.

3. The Emotional Fake-Out

The Joke: “Being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. It’s a great honor, but nobody really wants to do it.”

Why it works: It’s cheeky, classic British humor. You need a deadpan delivery to land this one. For more quick hits like this, browse our collection of wedding speech one-liners.

4. The “For the Record”

The Joke: “I’ve been told that a best man speech should last as long as the groom can last in the bedroom. So, thank you everyone, have a great night! [Sit down immediately, then stand back up].”

Why it works: It’s a classic sex joke, so know your audience. If grandma is cool, go for it. You have to commit to the physical comedy of actually sitting down for this to land.

5. The Fact Checker

The Joke: “Hi, I’m [Name]. I’m here to tell you how wonderful the groom is… and I’m also here to tell you about 5 minutes of lies.”

Why it works: It sets a fun, lighthearted tone instantly and lets everyone know not to take you too seriously.

Category B: Roasting the Groom

This is the core of the speech: taking the groom down a peg. Here are five jokes that target his personality or looks, keeping that “Roast-to-Toast” ratio in mind.

6. The “Changed Man”

The Joke: “Before he met [Partner’s Name], the groom was incomplete. Now that he’s married, he’s finished.”

Why it works: It’s a classic pun. Short, punchy, and impossible to mess up.

7. The “Lookalike”

The Joke: “It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers. But looking at the groom in that suit, I’m reminded of what a wise man once said: ‘A monkey in silk is a monkey no less.'”

Why it works: It’s a bit sharper. Ensure the groom has thick skin before calling him a primate in front of his in-laws.

8. The “Desperation”

The Joke: “I think we can all agree that it’s been a beautiful day. But what really impresses me is that the groom has kept his hand on [Partner’s] hand the entire ceremony. I know it looks romantic, but I know the truth: if he lets go, she’ll run.”

Why it works: It compliments the bride (she’s a catch) while roasting the groom (he’s desperate). Perfect for the “she’s out of his league” dynamic.

9. The Medical Miracle

The Joke: “I didn’t think the groom would ever get married. In fact, medical experts are baffled. They didn’t think a heart that small could love someone that much.”

Why it works: Great for the cynical or grumpy groom. It paints him as the Grinch who finally found his heart.

10. The Talent Scout

The Joke: “The groom is a man of many talents. Unfortunately, none of them can support a family, so good luck to [Partner] with her career!”

Why it works: Use this only if he’s employed and doing fine. If he’s actually broke, this is just mean.

Category C: Complimenting the Partner (While Roasting the Groom)

Pivoting to the partner is essential. This section is all about elevating the spouse while simultaneously dunking on the groom.

Pivot Strategy	Groom’s Role	Partner’s Role
The Contrast	The Beast / The Mess	The Beauty / The Saint
The Savior	The one who needed saving	The hero
The Upgrade	The flawed version	The perfect version

Make your roast-to-compliment transitions smooth with the Best Man Speech Generator

11. The Visual Contrast

The Joke: “[Partner], you look absolutely stunning today. And [Groom], you look like you’re about to appear in court.”

Why it works: It plays on the universal “beauty and the beast” trope. It’s an easy visual gag.

12. The Saint

The Joke: “[Partner], you are a wonderful person. You deserve a good husband. Thank God you married one before you met [Groom].”

Why it works: This is a logic puzzle. You need to pause to let the audience catch up.

Mastering the Pause:
To land this joke, count to two in your head.

• “Thank God you married one…” (One, Two)

• “…before you met [Groom].”

• Wait for the laughter.

13. The “Blind” Love

The Joke: “They say love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener. But looking at [Partner], it’s clear she’s still in the blind phase regarding the groom’s face.”

Why it works: It’s a physical roast, but usually lighthearted enough to pass.

14. The Upgrade

The Joke: “I’d like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent achievement. He has found the one person in the world who looks at him with love and affection, rather than the mixture of pity and disgust the rest of us feel.”

Why it works: It’s harsh but funny amongst close friends. You need conviction to sell this one.

15. The Rule of Physics

The Joke: “Physics tells us that opposites attract. And that has been proven today. She is beautiful, intelligent, and kind. And he… is also here.”

Why it works: The pause before “is also here” does all the heavy lifting. This relies entirely on your deadpan timing.

Category D: Marriage Advice for 2026

Here is some “wisdom” for the couple. These offer a satirical take on how to maintain a happy marriage in the modern era.

16. The Modern Argument

The Joke: “Marriage is all about compromise. For example, the groom wants to watch sports, and [Partner] wants him to take out the trash. So, they compromise: he takes out the trash.”

Why it works: It’s a classic trope because it’s true. Every married couple in the room will nod.

17. The “Two Words”

The Joke: “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up.”

Why it works: It’s funny, but it’s actually solid advice.

18. The Social Media Rule

The Joke: “Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight until you’re too tired to change your Netflix password.”

Why it works: A modern riff on the old “don’t go to bed angry” cliche. Hits home for the younger crowd.

19. The AI Angle

The Joke: “I asked ChatGPT how to be a good husband. It said, ‘I am an AI language model and cannot perform miracles.'”

Why it works: It’s current. It’s meta. It works.

20. The “Happy Life”

The Joke: “Groom, remember: ‘Happy Wife, Happy Life.’ But also remember: ‘Happy Husband… implies he’s hallucinating.'”

Why it works: A little cynical, but it usually gets a big laugh from the older uncles in the back.

Category E: The Closing Toasts

You’re almost done. Here are five ways to wrap up the performance, ranging from sincere wishes to final jabs.

21. The “Standing” Ovation

The Joke: “Please everyone, raise your glasses. I’d like to make a toast to… the bar staff, for getting me through this speech.”

Why it works: Everyone loves the bartenders. It’s an easy win.

22. The Honest Wish

The Joke: “Here’s to the happy couple. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever.”

Why it works: It’s sweet, sincere, and a perfect transition out of comedy mode.

23. The “Rich” Future

The Joke: “May you have health, wealth, and happiness. And since the groom is paying for the open bar, let’s start with the health and happiness.”

Why it works: Works best if there is an open bar. If it’s a cash bar, do not say this.

24. The Confusion

The Joke: “I’d like to thank the bridesmaids, who look lovely. And I’d like to thank the groom, for showing up. And I’d like to thank the open bar, which I will be visiting immediately.”

Why it works: It’s relatable. Everyone wants a drink by this point.

25. The Final Roast

The Joke: “To the groom: A man who is smart, charming, and witty. And to his new spouse, a woman who is… a saint for marrying a liar like me.”

Why it works: A classic bait-and-switch. You compliment him, then reveal you’re lying. Perfect closer.

Turn your favorite jokes into a polished, crowd-ready speech with the Best Man Speech Generator

When You Need More Than Just One-Liners

Even with a list of jokes, putting it all together into a speech that flows is tough. You might be staring at this list thinking, “I don’t know how to weave these into a story.” This is where Bridesmaid for Hire steps in. While the brand is famous for providing professional bridesmaids to handle drama, Jen Glantz and her team are also wizards at the “behind-the-scenes” work.

We offer speech writing tools to structure these jokes into a narrative and coaching services to help you stop shaking. We also act as a “Professional Problem Solver” for handling other best man duties like bachelor party logistics.

Challenge	DIY Solution	Bridesmaid for Hire Solution
Writer’s Block	Staring at a blank screen for hours.	Professional templates and custom speech writing.
Nerves	Drinking too much whiskey before the speech.	1-on-1 virtual coaching to practice delivery.
Organization	Jokes scribbled on napkins.	A structured flow that actually tells a story.

If you are struggling to connect the dots, Bridesmaid for Hire offers wedding speech and vow writing tools. These resources help you structure a speech that is funny, heartfelt, and memorable without the guesswork. If the public speaking part is what scares you, we offer wedding speech coaching services to help you find your voice.

Sometimes, the best man has to deal with more than just a speech—bachelor party planning, logistics, or mediating family drama. We are the “unbiased, non-judgmental voice of reason” you can turn to. Whether you need a full speech written or just a little guidance to ensure you don’t bomb, Bridesmaid for Hire has your back.

The Mic Drop Moment

You’ve got the jokes. You’ve got the rules. Now you just need the confidence. Take these lines, customize them to fit your friend, and practice until they feel natural. A great best man speech isn’t about being a stand-up comedian; it is about showing the groom you know him well enough to roast him and love him well enough to toast him.

If you need more inspiration, study some best man speech examples to see how others have navigated the room. Grab that mic, own it, and make him proud (and slightly embarrassed). If you need extra guidance, check out our top best man speech tips to ensure you are fully prepared.